My story starts in 2015 when I was sexually assaulted, and had issues with working through it. In late 2016/early 2017 I finally admitted I needed help and found a psychiatric hospital to admit myself to. I was struggling with depression and self-harming. I finally started to feel like I was feeling better. I finally felt happy and okay. Then in April 2017, my dad’s cancer spread to his spine and eventually ended up, within a few days, passing away. My doctors prescribed me Ativan a benzo. The pain of losing the only person I ever felt like was there for me was so beyond unbearable, I started to take the medicine in doses that weren’t prescribed. I wasn’t getting high, I thought I was numbing pain. It felt good to feel numb. It was easier to numb my pain then face it head on. I also figured because my doctor kept prescribing me the medicine, I would be okay. Nobody besides my boyfriend, who is now my fiancé, and my best friend knew about this. They would express their concerns and I would get mad. In July 2017, I attempted to end my own life by taking an entire bottle of Ativan. It was the wakeup call I needed. I struggled still with depression and anxiety. I felt alone. Like nobody could ever possibly understand the way I felt. I found music to be the only things that could ever help me. It wasn’t doing much, as I was still self-harming. It was like using benzos to cope. It made my mental pain numb. I could handle physical pain. I couldn’t handle the demons in my own brain. Eventually my friends introduced me to Juice WRLD’s music, and with each song I listened to, it was like he had taken words from my heart that I could never describe. I found myself having panic attacks, but being able to calm down more and more if I’d play his music. It was like I finally had a friend who didn’t know I existed but, he got me. To finally have someone out there who had similar struggles and feelings as I did helped me not feel so alone. His music continues to motivate me to continue to be better, and save me through various curve balls thrown at me. I never could have imagined life getting better, but here I am. I still struggle with mental health, but my story is not over. If it doesn’t feel like everything is okay in the moment I know I have my music to help me through it.
-Lisse
