I’ve always dealt with mental health problems for as long as I can remember. I’ve had constant nightmares and insomnia my whole life, and this constant feeling like I’m not real which I’d later learn was from an untreated obsessive compulsive disorder. My depression has been pretty much non stop since I was a little kid, and I was bullied constantly when I was younger. None of the adults in my life did anything about it, and it just got worse over time. My dad had anger problems that have since been resolved but really affected me as a kid. I went from being really outgoing to being terrified of adults and barely able to speak in public. I won’t go into much detail, but there was a death surrounding my family when I was six that really shook things up for a while. By the time I was 13 my parents started taking me to therapists and psychiatrists after begging them for help for years. I ended up with a shady psychiatrist who prescribed me countless antidepressants and mood stabilizers, when one wouldn’t work she’d just move on to another random one on a list. I was like a guinea pig, and I haven’t felt right since. I ended up finding a bunch of opioids from a family member’s surgeries in my house and took them all over a few month period. I was absolutely hooked, and it was the only thing that made me feel normal after feeling failed by the mental health system. When I inevitably ran out and was caught, I moved on to street drugs. I ended up being addicted to heroin and benzos for years and experienced horrible things during that time. When I finally kicked the habit after many years, I detoxed at home. I went through terrible withdrawal from opiates and benzos that lasted for almost two months straight. My doctor was shocked, and thought that I either had a bad case of post acute withdrawal syndrome or my heroin was cut with something that was causing the long withdrawal. They had to put me on suboxone after those two months just to get it to stop, and I’ve been on it ever since. I now have many years clean, and my doctor has almost completely weaned me off suboxone. I have been struggling lately, but reflecting on how much progress I made and how much of my life I put back together even if it’s not perfect. Anyone who’s still in it and struggling, just know there is hope, I never thought I would get to where I am right now but something in me kept me going, you just need to find whatever strength you have left and take the first step. It might be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done, but it was the best decision I ever made. Juice helped me through so much and I’m so glad we have this place to talk about mental health and addiction in such an open way and honor his legacy, much love to anyone still struggling ❤️
