Hi, my name is Jordan and I live in the UK. I didn’t always feel this way but since I first felt love at the age of 14 with one of my closest friends at the time, spending 5 years together completely changed the person I was prior, who was bubbly and so happy just to be alive. It changed me because of the things that happened and being cheated on a number of times. She then went on to have children with my other good friend at the time and it really hit me differently. Not because of the cheating and having kids, but because of dealing with so much pain for so long and being forced to change my own self without my permission, but from someone else’s permission. I felt completely broken and like something had clicked inside of me. I’m now 28 and I’ve experienced a few different loves from different people that didn’t work out in the end. I’ve always been empathetic towards others even though I’ve been hurt over and over again. I still have tons of love to give and always will until the end. That time of my life really changed me, and I’ve felt mental anxiety changes and even physical depression and mental depression in a number of different ways. I’ve also been suicidal a number of times since and been very close to doing so, but never went through with it. I’ve tried many things to try and release these feelings, different drugs and so on, these feelings just don’t seem to leave me alone. I think I’m too emotional a lot of the time and sometimes I just don’t feel real, like depersonalization. For a long time, I’ve struggled with getting help because of reasons, It’s almost like no one wants to hear what I have to say because it’s repeated a lot, and who wants to hear sad, depressing stories over and over, which I completely understand. But it is never for attention. If anything, it’s me asking for help for years and years. I’ve only recently met someone again in university because I decided to follow my passion, which is art. We’ve only been speaking for a month, and already I feel as if someone finally wants to hear me and take me away from that horrible suffering, which I hope is true. Even though she is younger than me. I still feel deep down a certain way about life, and sometimes feel that I’m better off dead or like I should have never been born. I feel as if this will be attached to me forever (which I’ve tried to shake it off in many different ways) but I’ve always hoped that someone can share this love and just accept that I have love to give and only care for others and not even for myself. I’ve heard many times that other people suffer, and we are not alone, but the trauma’s always there and the voices inside say that I’m better off dead, just like in Juice’s music. I can really relate to what he had to say 100 percent of the time. I still feel this way now, and just hope that I can be helped by this person, not to rely on her, but just to share a love or a connection that really can be trusted and not feel like a used tissue all my life. I hope that I will one day feel like my old self and just be free again. Thank you to anyone who listens and thank you to everyone who has a heart and wants love to be the only thing we should ever need. Thank you Juice too for being so inspiring and inspiring others around the world, and to his mum for making this possible for people to share. It’s an amazing, beautiful thing. Love those who love you. ❤️
