I’m 17 years old and I’m in my senior year of high school. I’ve learned a lot, I’ve witnessed a lot. But I’m grateful that I’ve made it this far. in 7th grade things started going downhill for me. i developed an eating disorder that continues to haunt me till this day. but i will say this. If you’re struggling with eating problems. please please talk to someone because this controls you and your life. I’ve spent days and nights crying, wishing I didn’t eat or regretting the things I did eat. I’m getting better with eating, but the thought of me wishing I didn’t eat still lingers in my head. Around 9th grade, my eating issues were at their worst. On top of that, I had no friends at my new school. I was completely alone, but I was fine with being alone, because at that point I had gotten used to it.
10th grade was the worst. this is where I learned things about myself that I wish I didn’t discover. I started cutting myself. I started drinking anything I could find. When there was nothing left, I literally got so desperate I drank vanilla extract. There was one point where alcohol wasn’t enough, and I tried to find people who could sell me pills. Anyone. But I thank God that I didn’t go through with it, because i know if I ever got my hands on anything like that I would never go back. It got to the point where I wouldn’t eat anything in the morning and just drink alcohol first thing. I liked the way it made me feel. I wasn’t addicted. but when I had it, I drank it. With self-harm, I felt like I could feel something, a new feeling. I’m almost 4-5 months clean. I’ve never felt better, although there are days I wish to relapse, I think back on the day that my parents found out. So basically, I was drunk and I was in a really bad argument with my parents, slurring all my words, it was bad. I was ugly crying, snot dripping down my nose, and Ididn’t even realize I lifted up my sleeves. It just happened. My Mom’s jaw dropped and she started crying. I hate seeing my mom cry. My dad took me to the park. I cried the whole day because I was so confused and upset. Everything was spinning and I felt so dizzy. I hated sitting there trying to talk to my dad because I’m not open with either of my parents. So it was hard. my mom tried taking all the sharp things away in the bathroom to help me I guess. I’m grateful for that. she asked what I used, and I refused to give it to her, but I eventually gave in. I hate explaining self-harm because even I don’t understand it. It just makes me cry.
Around the middle of 10th grade, I met this boy online. He was really cool at the beginning, but once I got to know him he became so so toxic. He was manipulative, and he pushed a lot of people out of my life. As in, people stopped talking to me because I was talking to him. I did anything for him and I regret it. He lied to me, and he damaged me in ways I can’t explain. I used to cry over the things he did. I had my first panic attack over him and how stressful it was being with him. No matter how much I tried getting him out of my life I couldn’t. I felt like without him I would be alone and wouldn’t find someone to talk to like I could with him (but I did). I thought being with him was love, but it wasn’t. I wasn’t happy, I was simply just attached to him. No matter how sad I felt being around him, I continued forcing myself to smile at the thought of him. One thing I am happy about is how he got me into Juice Wrld. I know all his songs by heart. He’s literally my most listened to artist on Apple Music LLJW. I’m a hopeless romantic and I’ve never gotten attention from a guy like that, so I was just so obsessed with the idea, it took me until now to realize I never loved him like I said I did.
Once when I was with him, I had a really bad high. I honestly thought I was going to die. It felt like life was fake, nothing was real, and i was being controlled. It’s so hard to explain. That day I ended up calling the ambulance and having to explain to my parents what happened. It’s caused me to have disassociation or depersonalization; I forgot which one. I still smoke. Anxiety is what triggers it the most. Usually in school or uncomfortable settings. the only person that keeps me at ease is my boyfriend. I’m not going to say his name, but if he ever sees this I just want him to know he has helped me in ways I can’t even explain. He is simply the one person I love most in this world. I struggle with being on my own and I don’t have many friends, but as long as he’s in my life I don’t need anybody else. I’m very hard on myself. Even though I’m confident with myself (somewhat) I still have trouble loving myself 100%, and I don’t expect myself to for a while. Sometimes I feel like something’s wrong with me. Not in like a weird or creepy way. but the way I get so angry or upset at random times. I’m usually a happy person but all of a sudden, I feel like this feeling won’t last and I just get sad. or I’ll just get sad in general. I won’t say I’m angry where if you say one word to me I blow up. I blame my parents for the way i react to things. Their relationship has never been healthy and they’re always arguing. It used to be physical. My dad wouldn’t leave bruises or make my mom bleed but he would throw things, or slap her or pull on her. I don’t remember a lot of my childhood. I don’t know why, maybe it’s because I shouldn’t. But I always remember the good things. That’s what I’m grateful for. I’m gonna say this, I’m grateful for the life I have. and although I might have some problems, I’m okay with it. I like enjoying life and having fun, because anything could happen. This world isn’t pretty like we want it to be. I love being happy, because as soon as the day’s over, i sit in my room wishing I could go back to that feeling. Sometimes I cry at the thought of those fun days being over. Damn, I cry a lot. It just helps though. Crying is an emotion. we should all be able to cry.
School is the worst. It’s just the people and I’m having a hard time concentrating. I’m always bouncing my leg, or biting my nails. or picking at my skin. I don’t even understand what’s going on in my first hour half the time. I’ll either zone out, or just start writing what I see on the board without listening to my teacher. I love being with my friends though. That’s the only thing I enjoy about school. Also being away from home. Being at home is stressful. Just the constant judgment and getting picked on for not being like everyone else. I know my mom loves me, but my dad I don’t know. He try’s giving me hugs but I always refuse. He’s never told me he was proud of me. He’s always just expected more or better. I never talk to him.
Thank you for this. his website is truly beautiful. If you’ve made it all the way down here I appreciate you. Hugs and kisses. I wish you the best in life. Please don’t ever give up, keep moving forward. every obstacle is a lesson that takes you somewhere amazing in life. You got this.
