I’m never filled with regret when it comes to the decisions I’ve made in my past. To me, life is like a string. Everyone starts with approximately the same length of string, but the decisions we make can make it shorter. I have no room for complaint outside of my insanely unhealthy eating habits and my general sedentary lifestyle. I have earned six figures four years in a row. I have three beautiful children, a beautiful wife. I’m a volunteer, I have a spiritual routine, and while all aspects of my life have room for growth and improvement, again, it must be said that I have no room for complaint. But I still feel so empty inside. I’m saddened by this overwhelming darkness that I feel, haunted by thoughts that spiral beyond my control. This deep sadness has only gotten worse as I realize that all the decisions I’ve made in my life have been futile. A sense of worthlessness and purposeless is made manifest every time I set my eyes upon my prepubescent daughter, my prepubescent step-daughter. Her attitude and general negative disposition towards life have become more prevalent the older she gets. I dread walking into the house. I dread breathing or even looking towards her because her eyes are cold and uninviting. I feel unwelcome in my own home.
I believe that a man’s value comes from his ability to substantially provide on a spiritual and material level while simultaneously creating opportunity in the lives of others, thus having a positive impact on the world. However, I am antagonized daily with the realization that nothing I do will ever be good enough. Even if it’s my absolute best, it still won’t be good enough for her. However, it is essential to clarify that my daughter is not the source of my depression but a manifestation of my fear of being worthless. Also, I acknowledge that our relationship will go through peaks and valleys as all relationships worth having do. It’s my responsibility to disallow my present feelings on her general disposition to impede me from seeing my duty through; being the best provider, I can be.
Moreover, I also want to heap praise on my wife. She is a kind and perceptive woman that always knows how to pull me out of a mental rut. She 100% makes me feel as though I have value and a place in this world, and I am confident my love for her will endure the test of time. At any rate, while I have friends, I rarely have someone to talk to that will let me complete my thoughts uninterrupted. So as I continue that search for such a bond, perhaps Medium will be my safe place.
