I’ve been through the ringer more than one deserves, maybe I’m that one. As a kid I had so many incidents where I came close to not being here due to injuries through recklessness as a kid. Like climbing high areas only to slip and fall 15 feet on my head and end up in the ER. This happened on two different occurrences, one being when my brother scared me off some bleachers at the top and I fell. Another when I had some type of bug bite me that had me paralyzed throughout my whole body. That was then… Growing up I was perhaps too sheltered, which can be good and bad, but isn’t that a balance in general or am I wrong? I went from being one of the most popular kids in middle school to one of the most avoidable teens in High School. I was bullied by others, including by some teachers. I suppose it was me going mute at the start of High School. Anxiety was always there at that point, but I didn’t realize what it really was. I thought I was just nervous and it was normal, but it wasn’t…
Fast forward to today, I’m an adult.. Anxiety is hitting harder than ever before, not just a phase over the past days or weeks but something ongoing that spiraled out of control, and I feel like my handle on my anxiety has each one of my fingers slipping one by one with these sweaty palms. I do have professional help and meds. I try my best to make the best but I feel like it still isn’t good enough. I can people please all day but at the end of the day what is left is what is taken, what is given at times can be nothing more than what is predictable but also at times backfire into “why, you didn’t have to”.
Work sucks. It took time to realize I’m just another stat on paper. I know I have high potential when I’ve been told I’m doing better at what I do than my own management, yet I still feel underappreciated. No raise, no promotion, no nothing other than “here is more, you’re good at this”. I go into work EVERY DAY, palms sweaty and heart racing. I hate feeling this way and try not to be in my head too much. I feel as though if one thing gets situated and seems good then another stilt starts to crumble and I’m running to it trying to hold it up. It’s difficult… It’s difficult not feeling wanted by even the person you love, the people you love, and in return they can stab you in the back. You might as well walk backwards to make it easier for them to get you because it’s going to happen either way. I feel alone, not completely alone but enough to feel like I’m still not enough.
Music is what seems to ground me the best, even better than meds, the Legend as well as EM has helped me get through my emotions and makes me think twice about a lot of things happening to me. I hope the best for my life and those I love. I hope the best for everyone. We are so fragile, more than people may think, mentality will always rule over anything anyone has accomplished throughout time, it’s how we all got to where we are today if that makes sense. LLJW 999