Wow. I can’t believe this site exists. Juice Wrld’s music continues to save my life, so where so I begin. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD, and Anxiety Disorder at age 17. But for years before that I was in pain. I was fully bulimic with a full blown eating disorder. I had tried taking my life at 15 already, and I was cutting myself/self-harming all over daily. It was such dark times. My parents wouldn’t let me seek professional help at the time and told me to just stop, that they don’t make “weird” kids. Totally ignorant to mental health disorders. Eventually I was kicked out, due to my daily manic/depression episodes that were only getting worse. I continued to live this way/find a home wherever I could, until I got a job at 18 and met a friend that I could finally confide in. She told me that I sounded like her, that I should talk to her psychiatrist. Well, I went. I tried meds that made the suicidal thoughts so much worse, so strong. To keep myself alive I had to self-harm every day to release the pain inside of me. I kept trying all these different cocktails of meds for years, throwing up, going to the ER, it seemed endless. Then I started numbing things by drinking, which then turned to weed. Once I left my boyfriend who I was living with at the time, who was physically abusive the entire time, I met a new group of people. I started self-medicating with only weed and cocaine now. It was a bad, bad, addiction for me. I lost any normal type of friends, and found myself online a lot just doing cocaine 24/7. I was listening to Juice and could feel his pain in his music, and to me it was hearing out loud what my soul felt for years. All this pain from heartache from bad relationships, not feeling like you’re ever enough, etc. I eventually met a boy online, and I had my own apartment by this time, so I had him over. I could tell he was mentally ill and dealing with substance abuse too. It brought me so much closer to him. I loved him so much I wanted to help him. So, I let him move in. Well, I thought he was only doing cocaine, I found Heroin too. I was heartbroken. For about 2 years into the relationship, I was an advocate for him to get off heroin, because it was destroying his life. I was still on cocaine, but you can’t change someone. I had so much heartache from his cheating and mental abuse, but I was so codependent. So, I started smoking heroin. We moved onto Fentanyl eventually together. Then he started to smoke meth, which would put him in bad psychosis. He was getting arrested left and right leaving me at home alone in our dirty room we rented now. My addictions got worse, I started to use meth too. Long story short, during a psychosis episode, the love of my life for 4 years, tried to strangle, stab, and kill me. He’s now in prison. I’m 29 now, and once I was away from him, I quit fentanyl cold turkey. It was hell. But to beat it, was so beautiful. Next, I got off cocaine. Even meth too. Of course, I relapsed with Heroin and Meth. But currently I’m drug free today. Been a few months, almost 1 year. It’s all mind over matter. Radical acceptance helps a lot during withdrawal. To me being clean meant I could be washed of my past that was so so hard and full of despair. I know I can be anything if I put my mind to it, Juice stressed that at the concert I saw him at in 2019. I can live life clean, and I will, and I do. You can do it too, no matter how bad you feel your past has been. If not cold turkey like me, there are rehabs. Lean on your real friends. They may not always be your family, but you can fight your demons and win every time. You just have to believe, and you will. Live Free, wishing everyone all the blessings. The music will get you through every time, I promise. #LLJW
