Where do I begin… lockdown hit in the UK and I never thought I had troubles or depression. maybe me just telling myself that to feel ‘normal, or maybe I just did and didn’t know.
My nan passed. She had a heart operation and lived, then died of something completely different a couple weeks before Covid lockdown. I was numb, was in an unhappy relationship, and just went silent. I’m optimistic, I tell myself. I DJ and I have a good job. I have all these things but it’s not enough. There’s no one like me. Jarad has this way of having a song for every emotion. I have a tattoo in honour of this as I know without his music I would have overdosed myself. I’m not suicidal, but every day I wake up and think “What’s the point?”. Nothing matters, nothing means anything anymore if it can just be taken so easily like my nan did.
That’s why I live life with risks. I try different things… Yet it’s not enough, before I was getting messed up to get a new high, but now the high I wanna get from life just isn’t the same. I’m the happiest person I know from a lot of people. Yet i know I’m not the happiest. I feel down constantly for 20 mins or so a day and convince myself it will get better. It doesn’t.
So now I’m here just going through it. Might as-well as ‘we only get one shot at life’. I’m 21 and the fact that everyone around me are dying young makes me wonder. Suicide rates in men are so much higher than those in women. I try to think of a prevention, but it all comes down to what’s the point.
999 forever, even if that forever is a day, a month, or a year. Who knows how long I’ll be here.
