Hi, so I’ve been basically battling anxiety since I was about 4 or 5 years old. I witnessed a boy half my age or older die and drown right in front of me, and I’ve been traumatized from the past ever since. I blame myself for his death because I couldn’t be of help to him while he was drowning …I was in shock, I stood still, and I was petrified.
Ever since then I don’t really have friends, I’ve been pessimistic… I don’t see the optimism at all …might as well be cynical. I don’t know how to make friends. I’m just too scared to do anything for real. I tried loving someone just so I could numb my feelings and not reminisce on the past, but I ended up getting hurt so bad. On a daily basis my life gets overwhelming and I get mixed moods or emotions. I’ve been questioned so many times “why do you stay to yourself so much?” I didn’t respond, I simply just faked my smile, but down deep it’s tiring and hurting. Not to forget to mention I’m suicidal, sometimes I just wanna go.
I know my family cares so much about me, but I feel all alone most times. There’s been numerous times I’ve been around a lot of people but I feel like I’m the only one there for real …
I don’t like crowds by the way, it gives me anxiety and I tend to overthink everything! That’s the half of it. I just wanna be all right again. My childhood is the definition of awful and good.
