Two years ago when I was 18, I overdosed on a combination of several narcotics mixed with alcohol, and I ended up in the hospital. I would have died if I had taken a few more shots, is what the first responders told me when I woke up. I lost my parents’ trust, and our relationship hasn’t been what it once was ever since.

But this is only the beginning… Because of the big hit my brain took I turned manic, and got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Which explains a lot as I had been struggling with depression prior to the OD, in my teenage years. I have also had severe mood swings coming in periods my whole life. 

I started being extremely extraverted when I was manic for the first time. Wearing crazy colors, painting my nails, all that. Everything I said was based on delusions in my head. I thought I was a prophet, felt like I could foresee things, felt like I could know exactly what people were going to say or do based on the knowledge I had about them. I had energy 1000, it was crazy. 

The psychiatrist gave me a very high dosage of heavy antipsychotics, and strong benzodiazepines to keep me at bay during the day. When I got out of it my whole personality had shifted.

Two years later now and I have gone through 2 psychosis, 2 manic, and a few hypomanic episodes. All with depression in between and very bad side effects from medications, such as limping, jaw locking, panic attacks and heavy feelings of dissociation. 

The psychose was activated because I was drugged with a needle by some sick mf. I got very schizophrenic for five days to the point where there were people coming after me to kill me, but it was all hallucinations. Paranoia had never been so intense. And I came out of the psychose very traumatized because it was real to me.

Just came to my senses after 6 months of (for the first part manic) depression, and am now feeling a little better. But still, I will never be the person I once was. Because of full body nerve damage, I still suffer from a heavy dissociative feeling, which will never get better.

I’m proud to be here and so are my friends who were there for me through it all. Just know this, even if it doesn’t feel like it, and everything feels like it’s against you…. There will always be support, it can come from anywhere. Just talk to friends, and if you don’t want them to judge you, call the free services, they are professional and will help you. You are loved and thanks for reading.

Text LF999 to 741741 to reach the Crisis Text Line for free crisis counseling.
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